What’s the one thing money can’t buy? Happiness? Horseshit, you can buy all sorts of happiness with money. The answer is water pressure.

For those not in the know, the point of water towers isn’t to store water, it’s to provide pressure. The general rule of thumb is the higher a water tower is above your house, the higher your water pressure will be. For people like my parents, who live at the bottom of a hill that has the water tower at the top, taking a shower feels like a couple dozen watersaws shooting jets straight through your skull. Whereas your run-of-the-mill California millionaire who wants to live on top of a mountain is so far above water towers that they tend to have their own water tank on the very top of the mountain by their house. This, however, is not high enough to get a super huge amount of pressure. At that distance, the meager amount of gravity makes showering feel like an impotent piss dribbling onto your head.

How does one solve this issue? Why, haven’t you heard that rain shower heads are just so fancy? Let’s consider the upsides of a rain shower head for a second. 1) If you have impotent-piss water pressure, it doesn’t matter. 2) ??????? And the downsides? You can’t shower your body without showering your hair. You can’t point it in different directions. Water loses temperature falling from that high. Spiders??

It doesn’t make much sense until you realize that there was probably some general contractor who needed to sell a house to some rich dumbfucks who would complain about the water pressure. “Wait a second,” the con-tractor said to himself, “I can mount the shower head on the ceiling and tell those idiots in feels like rain. They’ll probably like that because they’re stupid.” And it worked. Now you look through home magazines and stare at bathrooms made out of 7 kinds of extinct rock* with stupid fucking ceiling mounted shower heads and think “I wish I was rich enough to have a bathroom like that.” You don’t, but that’s what they want you to think. I’m pretty sure installing one of those in my parents’ house would result in a downward stream so powerful it would cut right through you and dig a hole into the Earth’s mantle.

Note that I have cited no sources on this matter, but I assure you everything I have said is as true as you want it to be. Anyway, welcome to my blog, where I record my thoughts on everything with a minimal amount of facts. Feel free to correct anything I’ve said, I won’t listen or respond.

*Please report any rock poachers you see.